Ritsuka's (Not) Very Normal Life
by ZilverHope
Summary: This is what happens when a good writer (Lies.) Tries to write a story with every weird thought that could come to his mind... it is truly beautiful, enjoy this cluster of absolute mayhem. (Lots of fourth-wall-breaking and stupid as hell jokes, you have been warned.)


**This is definitely the weirdest shit I've ever written, it is also not as serious as any of my other stories, please, enjoy this madness.**

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Ritsuka Fujimaru, that was the name of a completely normal teenager (Lies) And that normal teenager was on his way back home after a normal school day, walking with him was his soon-to-be girlfriend (Hopefully) and her name was Mash Kyrielight and she was also a very normal girl (Also lies)

Now, all that normality will be gone as soon as they open the door to their house, which is why they hesitated to open it.

But eventually, they had to, it was at least better than sleeping in the streets... mostly.

"Alright, here we go." Said the voice of the teenage boy as he inserted the key, for some reason though, it did not turn. Ritsuka took the key out and examined it, that's when the illusion started wearing off. "Damn it, Merlin." He said as he stared at the piece of metal that he mistook for his keys, why the hell does Merlin always feel like pranking anyway?

Thankfully though, the door unlocked from the inside, revealing one of the more normal servants, his name was Emiya. (Or best Mom for short.) "Hello, master, welcome back."

"Emiya!" Mash greeted as cheerfully as her soft voice could as she gave the most caring servant they have a hug, Ritsuka though, was too busy being relieved that a normal servant opened the door for them to realize that he almost didn't greet Emiya back.

"Hey, Emiya." He said with a smile as he and Mash walked inside.

Emiya was tough on the outside, and to be honest, he was also mostly tough on the inside, but he had a very caring side, almost fatherly (It's best MOM, NOT DAD YOU IDIOT OF AN AUTHOR!) Which is why the next few minutes consisted of him asking his master about his school day. Ritsuka was lucky enough to have a normal school day, and so he answered his servant's questions.

"Master!" Said the voice of another servant before Ritsuka was tackled to the ground, or at least, that's what should have happened if he wasn't so used to this, he managed to dodge the girl that was throwing herself at him. He then watched as she crashed straight into the wall.

"Owww." Complained the Mexican goddess, Quetsel- no that's not right. Quetselocoatl? No, not that... Quetzelacoatalle?

GOD DAMN IT HOW DO YOU SPELL THIS?!

Screw it, I'm going with Quetz.

"Quetz, please do not break master." Said the precious Kouhai, Mash. (That we must all protect and max her skills.)

They couldn't get a reply from her before another interruption. "ZASHUU, how did you let him pass that ball?!" Was the voice that cried out, I assume we all know who that is, correct?

Moving on...

Ritsuka went on to the living room only to find it packed with basically every servant that he would classify as too powerful that it was almost unfair to fight them. They were also all guys, he guessed it was some sort of boys' night?

Gilgamesh, Karna, Achilles, Iskander, Vlad, Siegfried, Sigurd, Dantes, Lancelot, Heracles, and of course, best doggo, Cu Chulainn... alter.

They were all watching... what the hell?

"Are you guys watching Soccer?" Said the master, he quickly felt all eyes turn to him with glares showing bloodlust, it was almost terrifying. (Read: it was very much terrifying.)

"IT'S CALLED FOOTBALL!" They all cried out simultaneously, almost sending him flying from the sudden surge of mana.

"R-right, umm, so who's winning?" He tried to change the subject as he looked at the screen, it was 1-0 and the match had been only on for a few minutes.

Achilles smiled as he answered his master. "Goldy here." He pointed at the annoyed Gilgamesh. "Bet that the golden team would win, we all said that the other team would win, now he's losing and obviously mad."

Of course he'd go for the golden team...

Still, something seemed... off. He thought about it for a while before he finally figured out who's missing. "Where is Pharaoh Ozymandias?" The master asked.

"AHAHAHAHAH! IT IS TIME FOR YOU ALL TO WITNESS MY GREATNESS!" Cried the proud voice of the Pharaoh as all of the house was suddenly absorbed into his noble phantasm, soon, Ritsuka and all his servants found themselves forced to sit on a grand dinner table, how Ozymandias managed to just summon that table was beyond them, it was big enough for all the dozens of servants to sit!

As everyone started wondering what the hell just happened, the great Pharaoh appeared, holding a tray. He sat at the edge of the table and set down the tray.

"This is the greatest dish that you all shall ever eat, savor it and shower me with your praise!" He ordered, nobody dared to laugh, why, you might ask? Well, the answer is simple.

They were all in his temple... surrounded by sphinxes... and unable to use their Noble Phantasms due to the effect of his temple.

Even Gilgamesh wasn't getting them out of this one.

Ritsuka found himself in the seat next to Ozymandias, he watched as many versions of the dish he had made himself appeared in front of every servant. "You can just do that?" Ritsuka asked, impressed.

Ozymandias chuckled. "Of course, I am the god in this world and I can do whatever it is that pleases me!"

...

Time passed and thankfully nobody died in the temple, it actually helped that the food wasn't half bad.

But now they were back, and before he could even process anything, the girls... like, all of them. Stole him away and he found himself locked in his room with dozens of female servants. He tried calling for help but he was not saved by the guys... those traitors. He even heard one of them mutter something about 'never inciting a woman's wrath especially if she is a servant that can destroy most countries.'

He looked to his right, he saw Jeanne Alter and Saber Alter almost killing each other with only their glares. The normal Arturia and Jeanne were trying to calm things down.

He looked to the left only to see the 'Sneaking into master's bedroom at night squad.' Consisting of Raikou, Kiyohime, and Serenity.

He looked behind him to see multiple Nero versions, each of them slipping an 'UMU' occasionally.

And in front of him was Mash literally protecting him with Lord Camelot (Do not question how the room fits a whole castle inside of it with no problems.)

This was gonna be a long freaking day.


End file.
